Saturday, October 17, 2009

Finding the lost smile

Days, weeks, months... season changes, people changes, life changes. Its has been 2.8 years I life here. First time I was here, I feel so lonely and couldn't put my smile in my face. I had no close real friend around. Then, it starting better, I made this blog a few months after, started to have some good friend through the net.

It has been my best year in 2008, I met a few good friend through the net. We talked a lot, we shared our feeling, sometimes argued, laughed together and when i was in tear they support me a lot. I never felt alone anymore that time. But sure, as season changes, all changes, one by one my friends had their own business. We didn't talk much now. If we met online just a little hi, no more deep talk. Oh, yeah, i missed that time much, but I know, I could do nothing, because if I talk a lot, they will avoid me more. So I prefer to control my self, not talk a lot, staying in silence right now, rather than I lost all friend. Pretending, I am OK even I am dying.

Before, whenever open messenger, many friends will pop up and say hi, sometimes I type in wrong box. Many smile they sent, so I never stop feel happy. Now even I am available in yahoo messenger for a full day, no one will say hi, except two my best friend Lyla and Molina. Thanks for you two girls, only you that fill my day, and I could share many happy and worry. If both of you not online for a few days, I am feel alone. Thanks, for still share me everything, thanks for still hear my tears sometimes, thanks for support. (For Molina, thanks a lot, u never change since the first we met, 6.5 years ago, and even more better, miss u girl, I really want to sit down beside u in pempek shop, and talk... with many laughter n sometimes tears. You are my best friend I ever had)

So, now I try to find my lost smile in my lonely place. I will start my new life, even it doesn't mean I will forget all friend that ever came to my life. Don't hesitate to contact me, I still miss u around. But, I couldn't only wait others cheer my days, or just wait and hope everything will be back as before. I realized, even many promise gave, many hope built, but times make it change. So, I will jump from my comfort zone, as housewife. I try to catch my previous dream that i ever had. I know it will not easy, even now I started to have headache, a little bit desperate, and stress. But, i won't die because feeling lonely and most horrible I couldn't smile anymore, so I will take my chance right now. Even it is hard, and I don't know what will happen with me in my future, but who knows. Just let time pass, and will know... is my smile over there?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Tree of hope

It was sunny evening, when a van stop in front of my house. I didn't know who came with big van since i had not many friend here, and felt I didn't buy anything that need big vehicle to bring. A man with blue shirt went out and call my name.
"Miss Lyly?" he asked.
"Yes?" I answered with a strange feeling.
"Someone, no name sent gift for you, I just asked to bring it in this address, wait a minutes."
He bring out a small tree from the van. I look at the tree with many question mark, who did this?
"Where I must put these tree?"
"Oh.... sorry... u can put here. Thank you."
"Ok miss, have a good evening, bye." he went off after put that tree.


I still didn't know what i will do with the tree, suddenly door bell ringing. A face that i knew well smiling, my best friend. Someone that always cherish my day with smile, and never stop encourage me to be strong in life. Like a sun that brighten my life.
"I saw the tree outside, so you got my gift."
"Oh you sent it to me.. what tree is that"
"Tree of hope. I grafting this tree special for you. I join three plants together. I choose the best variety for survive for the lower portion. And two varietes that have nice taste for the trunk."
"Oh.. ," I still can't understand why he gave me that tree.
He saw my confused and smile again.
"Ha... it just like us... we are different, but we can be a good friend, a special friend. Thats why I gave this to you. As the tree will grow bigger and bigger, same with our relationship, will stronger day by day."
'Oh , I see." I just could catch his idea.
"Do u know what i mean? Let see the tree can grow bigger and bigger even there grow as different plant and now they grow as one. Supporting each other. Like us, I will never let you feel alone."
He brought the tree and asked, "Where we should plant this tree? Choose the place that u can saw easily from your window. So whenever you saw the tree you will remember, never worry what we have will stronger day by day."
"But how if the tree, died?" I look at him, worry.
"Ours will end too, " he look at my eyes and smile again.


Months passed by, since he went back to his place, there is long distance seperate us now. Not like first months before, we talked a lot about that tree, about hope, about us. He convinced me, the tree is easy to take care, even with close my eyes, same with our hope. I just smile, and stop to worry. Lately, I feel it change now.

But a few weeks ago I realized that something happen with the tree. The leaves changed the colour, yellow. some trunk started to whiter. Same with us... more silence between. I was very worry, many mails I sent him, asking about the tree, but he remain silence, change the topic. I never know what happen with him, sometimes he replied a little, feeling there was a distance between.

I ask a friend that I know about the tree, but they dont know nothing about it. A friend told me, it just because the weather, I could do nothing. If the tree strong enough, it will survive.

I was sad every time I saw the tree from the window, I remember what he said, ours will end too if it died. I sent mail again, and ask about that, and i wish i got an answer, "Don't worry I am only joked that day." But you keep silent never answer my question.

This morning, I touched every leaves on our tree of hope, felt many happiness that i have before seeing it grow bigger and bigger as my hope that us will be stronger. And now, in tears I saw it dying. Look at the sky, really hope the weather change, and this tree can survive. I back to my room and saw it from window, and i just mumble by my self, "I only can wait, I only can wait, I only can wait and see..., Hope it survive and grow bigger someday. Hope time will bring you back like before, as u ever promise me.

inspired by a friend word ".. it will bigger and bigger day by day.. wait and see.." (it is only a hope?)

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