Kugantikan Cita-citaku

Pertengahan tahun 2011, akhirnya aku merelakan utk melepas impian dan cita2ku untuk kembali ke bangku kuliah, meraih gelar PhD. Beberapa alasan saat itu, karena gagal sekolah di tempat yg dekat dengan rumah, dan tawaran wawancara justru datang dari tempat yang jauh dari rumah. Walaupun usahaku untuk melamar sudah mati2an, dari pontang panting test toefl ampe terbang ke surabaya karena waktu test yg ga selalu ada, sampai akhirnya ganti test IELTS saja krn TOEFL tidak cukup score. Berkutat dengan ratusan jurnal yg membuat otakku makin kriting.

Alasan kedua, karena banyaknyaknya kelas yg harus diambil, sedikit menyulitkanku untuk antar jemput anak sekolah. Dan kekuatan fisikku yang yg juga harus mengerjakan pekerjaan rumah tangga tanpa bantuan. Akhirnya aku coba menepis cita2ku dan menekuni apa yg kulakukan saat ini, sebuah pekerjaan yg bisa dilakukan dari rumah walaupun sangat kuat mendapat tekanan dan cercaan bahkan dari teman dan sahabat.

Sabtu lalu aku mendapati surat dari POSLAJU, dan saat aku ambil syrat itu badanku menjadi lunglai tak bertenaga.... sebuah surat offering dari IIUM jawaban aplikasi yang kukirim 2 tahun lalu. Lemas, karena selama ini aku sdh mengubur cita2ku, dan kembali batinku berperang? Apakah yang harus kuambil? terlebih batas waktu harus daftar ulang adalah hari ini, kamis 26 January 2012. Ya Allah apa yg harus kulakukan? seorang sahabat memberiku saran, kebetulan sahabat ini adalah teman seprofesiku dulu, dia bertanya, apakah bila kamu sudah menyandang gelar Doktor kamu yakin bisa menggunakannya?

DEG.... aku pun tak tahu jawabannya, karena posisiku sebagai istri dan suami yg kemungkinan tidak selamanya tinggal disuatu tempat. Bijaksanakah aku mengeluarkan biaya yg cukup besar, mengurangi perhatianku ke anak2ku tanpa yakin itu akan berguna?
Sekian kali batinku berperang, impianku, cita2ku, egoku, keluargaku, mana yg kudahulukan?

Hari ini Kamis 26 january 2012, surat offering itu masih ada di laci almariku, biarkan kujadikan kenangan, sebagai bukti ke anak2ku nanti, terkadang kita memang harus memilih.... dan bukti buatku bahwa aku ga bodoh kan masih bisa tersaring hihihihi Biarlah kugantikan cita2ku dengan mendampingi anak2ku selalu.

Proper words...

I really bother if someone told me I am special. What is special mean? According to my opinion, if I am special i will get special treatment, more than others get. For example: if it come to customer, seller will give special discount; or if it come to a friend they will get special wishes in their special occasion. If it is not happen like that, for example you just send usual wishes like what u give to another person, it mean she or he just an ordinary friend.

That reason make me so upset when i heard someone say "you are special", better use other words to show encouragement. I prefer to get words as you are a strong person, or a cheer full person. Because that word make the receiver not wondering something.
So many people talk without meaning lately, and others will get misunderstanding over that words. I never know what their background to talk such words, n why they never think that implication will occur behind. Other example : just too easy to say "you are my best friend", but even can count with fingers they talk to each other, or just hiding even they know their "best friend" need companion.
hmmmmm.... hows life going to be now?? too many people spread unmeaning full words. Just ready to hurt, if you hope too much to others' words.

Just wait

Life always unexpected
We never know the mystery behind it.
Sometimes we feel we are in joyful and didn't notice that a big danger was watching us.
Like what happen in my life, that make me almost broke physically and mentally.
Even today I just got temporary solution, and try to recovery. But this situation make me aware, "Life wont be easy anymore, just make plan for all contingencies situation.
For now, I will forget my personal problem first. Just wait....
Let see the market today, another news will kill me today?
Will the BEAR win? Oh no... I really wish the BULL come today?
At least to make me smile after my hard days

Missing dancing through the rain

Years ago
When I was too sad
I would wait the rain drop
then I stood up outside
felt the shower drop in mine

In the same time I would cry
came along the rain's rhythm
when my body start too cold and shaking
I would feel all the pain n sadness wash up


I start to feel calm
nothing to worry

Today...
I miss the time
would be the same if do it again
will my sadness flow away

The storm

Days by days already left behind
Never stop for waiting
The storm left n replace by the bright day

I lost my voice..
I'm standing here but you never see me
I"m standing out in the rain
flooded with all this pain
Knowing that I couldn't ask you
what I wanted to know


The storm come to my day
The storm come to my heart
But you never see me
When the rain is falling so hard
and I couldn't say anything more

All i know
I couldn't grab your hand
asking for help
just like before the storm
because you couldn't see me more

Every strike thunder crash the sky
It brings slide of memory
Trying to keep the light of life
or I should give up...

I"m standing out in the rain
flooded with all this pain
but you will never see me